all hallows health update

hey it's a treatment news post! Unbelievable. Here's the update-- I feel terrible.

First I didn't know why I felt so bad, then it got really really bad, then we figured out it was my meds and I went off them, and now it's been a week and I still feel terrible and my doctor told me today that it could take 6-8 weeks to be normal again. Boooo and not in the fun halloween way!

As part of the standard treatment protocol for hormone positive breast cancer, after chemo and surgery one does five years (the period of time it takes to move from being "in remission" to "cured," meaningless though that distinction really is) of hormonal treatment (either an AI class drug or Tamoxifen.) I was initially put on an AI and didn't tolerate it. Then we put me on a different one and I didn't tolerate that, then we tested me for Tamox and discovered that I can't metabolize it so it would be useless, so then I got put on Evista which is a less effective Tamoxifen-like drug and I was doing so well! Until I wasn't anymore. And now there are no more drugs to put me on so that's that.

I don't like it. I won't miss the side effects, but it's stressful to be on nothing. I don't really think the cancer's going to come back, even without the drugs (and you all will be happy to hear that my doctor doesn't think so even more than me), but what if it does? It just feels so worrisome not to be able to do all the things that can help prevent recurrence. I know what you all are thinking-- but you're doing so many other things, the diet and exercise and everything-- and it's true. I do. And that's a big part of why I think I'll probably be okay. But I do that stuff because I'm scared to not do it, because I feel like I have to or I'll die and being on the pills gave me a tiny buffer at least. Like, it's okay if I don't make it to the gym today or if I eat a tiny bit of something with sugar in it every once in a while. And I want that. I don't like how much anxiety I feel around ordinary things, I don't think it's good! So. Not pleased.

You know what else I'm not pleased about? How terrible I feel. And how boring it is to feel so crappy. But let's end on a more positive note-- you know what I am pleased about? Dressing up! So in closing, here are pictures of me as Adam Ant. As you can see, I have hair and generally look and am pretty normal again! Even if I do feel lousy at the moment.

[a question-- do you actually see these updates, friends who want to know what is happening? I feel like maybe not; so let me know, if you are getting this? Okay. Love to all and goodnight.]